If you wish to access the service, please press 1.
WHY DO YOU THINK I CALLED? Whatever. 1
If you have this type of contract, press 1. If you have this other type of contract, press 2. And so on for a non-interruptible eternity.
I actually wanted billing, but okay, whatever. 2.
Please enter your phone number, or alternatively, your contract number. (long pause) Press 1 to enter your phone number, or 2 to enter your contract number.
Phone numbers are ten or eleven digits, contract IDs are seven digits. Why are you making me go through this?
Anyway, I no longer have my phone number. I do have my contract number, but I bet this won't work, since it's not active. Here goes nothing. 2, beep beep beep beep beep beep beep
Sorry, that contract ID is not valid. We can not complete your call. (hangs up)
Then I figure out there is a different number you can call for inactive contracts, because of course there is. Call that up, and on the first attempt it won't recognise DTMF tones. Great start.
Call them back again, this time it takes the tones. Press 1 for this, press 2 for that.
Due to high traffic levels, we cannot take your call. Please call back later. (hangs up)2
WHAT IN THE NAME OF CTHULHU? SONS OF A MOTHERLESS GOAT, MAY YOUR BEDSHEETS ALWAYS BE FULL OF BREADCRUMBS, MAY A CHERISHED PET CRAP IN YOUR SLIPPERS, MAY ALL YOUR DOWNLOADS STOP AT 99% IN PERPETUITY.
Yes, that's my tiny attempt at Google-bombing them. Feel free to join in. ↩
It should tell you something when the cancellation help line is tied up. Remember, this line is for customers who have already leapt through several hoops to cancel, all of which keep moving, and some of which are on fire. ↩