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Dear everyone sending me satisfaction surveys: pay me.

Seriously, if you're an airline or a hotel chain sending me a survey that takes (according to your own blurb) "ten or fifteen minutes" of my time, I want a handful of airline miles or hotel points in exchange for that time. It doesn't have to be a huge amount, but it shows proper respect.

I am not "honoured" by the opportunity to tell you whether my flight or stay was pleasant. If the experience is worthy of comment (good or bad), you'll hear about it on Twitter. Watch out for that type of feedback and engage with it promptly. Surveys will give you more granularity, but without any enticement, the feedback you get will be skewed towards people who place a low value on their time.

Seriously, what's it to you to throw a hundred airmiles at me in exchange for a detailed, thoughtful critique of the service I received? You already have all my demographics from the loyalty programme anyway, so you can tune the hit list of people who receive the survey.

Otherwise, you're not getting my feedback.

I cancelled my service with [the Most Incompetent ISP In The World](http://www.fastweb.it "FASTWEB" )[^1] months ago, and somehow they are still able to ruin my week right from a Monday morning.

If you wish to access the service, please press 1.

    WHY DO YOU THINK I CALLED? Whatever. 1



    > If you have this type of contract, press 1. If you have this other type of contract, press 2. And so on for a non-interruptible eternity.





    I actually wanted *billing*, but okay, whatever. 2.



    > Please enter your phone number, or alternatively, your contract number. (long pause) Press 1 to enter your phone number, or 2 to enter your contract number.





    Phone numbers are ten or eleven digits, contract IDs are seven digits. Why are you making me go through this?





    Anyway, I no longer have my phone number. I do have my contract number, but I bet this won't work, since it's not active. Here goes nothing. 2, *beep beep beep beep beep beep beep*



    > Sorry, that contract ID is not valid. We can not complete your call. (hangs up)





    <img src="https://cdn-images.postach.io/43436e974c3790f2ee56b2edd751d00f/146ddeafd21f2cca3444417c55cb0909/w600_7a45ec02a9e2f4f901879c666c5419c0.png"  height="300" style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; height: auto;" alt="00000065-001.png" width="291"/>





    Then I figure out there is a **different** number you can call for inactive contracts, because of course there is. Call *that* up, and on the first attempt it won't recognise DTMF tones. Great start.





    Call them back again, this time it takes the tones. Press 1 for this, press 2 for that.



    > Due to high traffic levels, we cannot take your call. Please call back later. (hangs up)[^2]





    **WHAT IN THE NAME OF CTHULHU? SONS OF A MOTHERLESS GOAT, MAY YOUR BEDSHEETS ALWAYS BE FULL OF BREADCRUMBS, MAY A CHERISHED PET CRAP IN YOUR SLIPPERS, MAY ALL YOUR DOWNLOADS STOP AT 99% IN PERPETUITY.**





[^1]: Yes, that's my tiny attempt at Google-bombing them. Feel free to join in.

[^2]: It should tell you something when the cancellation help line is tied up. Remember, this line is for customers who have already leapt through several hoops to cancel, all of which keep moving, and some of which are on fire.

Quindi quando Fastweb scrive:

ti informiamo che abbiamo ricevuto la tua richiesta, entro 24 ore un operatore ti contattera' secondo la modalita' prescelta.

bisogna sapere che:

1. Le 24 ore iniziano quando lo decidono loro;

2. E comunque nessuno ti contatterà mai.

Buono a sapersi.