Part 1

Dear pedestrians, if you have decided that you can't take it any longer and you are going to end your lives by throwing yourselves under a moving vehicle - may I suggest choosing a train, bus, or articulated truck, rather than my bicycle? And if you are not trying to kill yourselves, maybe you should stop crossing the road with your back to traffic and without looking!

At least one person does this every time I ride through town. The problem is that when I'm riding through town I often have my son on the back of the bike, so I can't relieve my feelings through swearing - or not out loud, at least. Also, because my son is on the bike, I am much more aggrieved at attempts to harm the two of us than I would be if I were alone, plus the bike itself is correspondingly less manoeuvrable with the extra weight high over the rear wheel.

Remember: look both ways before crossing the street. Today the worst that happened was that a cyclist got cross with you. Tomorrow, the silent vehicle you didn't hear and didn't check for might be an electric car, and you end up lying in the road all mangled while cyclists ride past, pointing and laughing.

Part 2

Those markings on the side of the road indicate a bicycle lane. The metal uprights are intended to keep cars out of it. Well done on squeezing your car in there regardless, forcing cyclists out into the main road to avoid you. Now you've achieved that, could you at least check your mirrors before pulling a U-turn out of your newly-created parking spot?

I hope the smack I gave your front quarter-panel left a dent. SMIDSY¹, indeed.

Conclusion

I am going to fit air-horns and strobes to my bikes, and start wearing knuckle-dusters and steel-toed boots when I'm riding.